Thursday, May 28, 2009

Nausea 2

It's been quite a while that, when I get up in the morning I realize that I woke up in the middle of vivid dreams of things I have to do that day. And they occur in such detail and in so properly spaced out episodes - breaking and resuming again coinciding with my frequent wake ups to check the time on the wall clock or to drink water from the amber yellow glass streaked with hand painted vertical lines kept on the white enamel painted wooden windowsill and sometimes to go to bathroom to spit the mucus that accumulates in the upper regions of my throat due to perennial cold - that I don’t feel like getting up, I go on sleeping, changing positions on the old mattress, trying to neglect the slightly nudging pain that prolonged sleep plasters on my body, thinking that the day has started and so the work I intended to do. Reverie of respite and entirety!

I don't know exactly when this started happening but if I have to pin it down on events rather than times, then I can say that they started occurring when I started getting worried about my life and time in NYC, I mean it's significant to me to be here since after may be 17 years it's the first time that I have started getting worried. I have never been depressed since that long time in my life either. My way of dealing with depression is sleeping it over since it's the same condition we try to acquire when we meditate to reduce the beta waves in our brain. And I can say that it has been helpful but the only problem is that all the time that I sleep, I consider it wasted, which I would not do so if I spend even double the amount of time meditating. But I guess methods that are approved to achieve a result no matter what, give you a sense of achievement while if you achieve same result by any other method, not approved, you feel bad about it.

These dream sequences that make me feel that I have already started my days have replaced my earlier and much uglier episodes of nightmare, where I saw myself always falling from a height and hence never slept for more than an hour or two at a stretch....I always used to wake up once within that time. So I can’t say if the situation has improved.

Going beyond myself, the city doesn't help me much either. The solitude that I crave for so much and that I now get here also nags me for no reason! Though it is almost onset of the summer, the days that start with bright sun light are still infrequent and the dreary, cold, overcast sky that I see through my dusty double paned glass window adds a heavy, foggy, condensing burden on my senses. The bare and simile red brick apartments that have become familiar to me, fail to cheer me, even the one way rattling sound of number 1 subway fails to convey motion of the day, dynamism of the city or the fact that other people are up and about, people who must get up and do certain duties that are mood independent. I wish I had been one of them, who can’t avoid getting up and opening shops, running trains, buses and taxis, or serving in the restaurants.

But alas! I have more liberty with my day that even an existentialist will be afraid to handle!